


Let me love you ardently

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [93]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e17 In Heat, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Girls in Love, Humor, Insecurity, Introspection, JJ loves Emily, Jealousy, Kissing, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Relationship Reveal, Secret Relationship, Supportive Hotch, Will & JJ friendship, and Emily loves JJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: “You know,” Penelope rolled her eyes. “I always thought she’d be the one to make one of us fall in love with her. When I realised she was dating someone, my first reaction was to look for other people in the team who might have shown signs of a romantic entanglement. However, nothing changed between her and the others – including you – so I quickly dismissed that theory.”Emily’s heart lurched a little at that, even as she told herself that there had been no reason for anyone to notice anything. She had been very careful not to let her feelings show; she had kept things as platonic as JJ had wanted them to be when they were at work, had never even hinted at having feelings for their liaison. She had been the perfect secret keeper and apparently, no matter how good JJ was at lying, Emily was better at pretending.Or: Emily is tired of having to keep her relationship secret, and it has nothing to do with jealousy. Nothing at all.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [93]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 5
Kudos: 162





	Let me love you ardently

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



Emily knew she was being irrational. However, even FBI agents occasionally forgot to use their heads rather than their hearts, and Emily was no exception to the rule.

“I mean come on, it has to be him,” Derek murmured as he glanced over at JJ and William Lamontagne. The two of them were lost in their own world, engaged in a conversation none of the other agents had been invited to. “We all know she’s been dating someone for almost a year. It _has_ to be him.”

“I don’t know,” Spencer squinted at the oblivious pair. “I would agree, but there’s something missing there. I always thought JJ would be a little more… obvious with her affections, even if she wanted to keep her feelings hidden from the team.”

“That makes no sense,” Derek snorted. “Either she’s affectionate or she’s secretive; you can’t have the best of both worlds in this case.”

“Why not?” Penelope asked, not even looking up from her computer. “Women are far better at keeping things hidden than men are, you know? I wouldn’t put it past JJ to be completely in love with Lamontagne but so afraid of telling us that she shoves all her feelings behind a sealed door in her mind.”

“Or she’s just not as affectionate as Spencer thinks,” Emily pointed out, knowing it would only be suspicious for her not to contribute to the conversation. She would rather have been talking about anything else, but she knew changing the subject would put the spotlight on her and that was the last thing she wanted. “Even our resident genius can make mistakes with his profiling, after all.”

“She’s not wrong,” Spencer shrugged. “I mean, I’d like to think that I know JJ well enough to be able to see the difference between one of her friends and her partner, but she’s always been a good liar.”

“Aren’t we all?” Derek chuckled, gesturing at their little group of profilers.

“Hotch’s tells are far more obvious than JJ’s,” Emily said matter-of-factly. “And mine are more visible than yours. Spencer doesn’t need to lie because he can cover up the truth with enough facts, and Rossi… I’m not sure, actually.”

“And I can’t lie to save my life,” Penelope sighed. “It’s tragic, really, but we’re deviating from our original topic. Do you really think _Lamontagne_ is JJ’s secret lover. I don’t know, I always assumed she would go for someone a little less…”

“Boring?” Derek suggested.

“Perfect?” Spencer added.

“I was going to say male, but sure,” Penelope agreed easily. “I mean, we all know JJ’s bisexual, but I always thought she was more into women than men, so this is a bit of a surprise. And as you said, Lamontagne is hardly up to our lovely lady’s standards. At the very least, I hoped she would settle for someone with a little more spice than Mister Perfect-Cop.”

Emily smirked internally at that, glad that Penelope wasn’t being as ridiculous as the men. As smart as Derek and Spencer were, they just didn’t understand women the same way other women did, and it showed in the way they tried to profile JJ. There were some things men would never understand about their female friends, and Emily thought romance and feelings might be one of them.

It wasn’t that Lamontagne was bad in any sense of the term. He was kind and loyal and handsome; he had a good job and worked hard, didn’t mind being bossed around by a woman every once in a while, and never whined about FBI involvement. He was passionate when it mattered and took his cases seriously, never dismissing a victim or an unsub the way other detectives might have.

Overall, Emily knew a lot of women who had done a lot worse than detective Lamontagne. But JJ wasn’t just any woman; she wasn’t the type to settle for something just because it looked shiny and perfect on the outside. She may not have been an agent the same way the rest of the team was, but she was just as strong and perceptive as them, and Lamontagne… He was a good guy. But JJ was an _extraordinary_ woman.

“A part of me always thought JJ would be the one to accidentally break our unspoken rule,” Penelope murmured after a few minutes of silence. The boys had gone back to focusing on whatever task Hotch had assigned them, but Penelope was still staring at Lamontagne and JJ as though they were a mystery she was trying to solve.

“Which rule are you talking about?” Emily asked as innocently as possible. She knew what Penelope was getting at, of course, since there was only one rule outside of ‘don’t profile your colleagues’ within their team. Hotch had never explicitly mentioned it, but none of them had needed to be told. And so far, they had all respected the rule – or at least, it seemed that way.

“You know,” Penelope rolled her eyes. “I always thought she’d be the one to make one of us fall in love with her. When I realised she was dating someone, my first reaction was to look for other people in the team who might have shown signs of a romantic entanglement. However, nothing changed between her and the others – including you – so I quickly dismissed that theory.”

Emily’s heart lurched a little at that, even as she told herself that there had been no reason for anyone to notice anything. She had been very careful not to let her feelings show; she had kept things as platonic as JJ had wanted them to be when they were at work, had never even hinted at having feelings for their liaison. She had been the perfect secret keeper and apparently, no matter how good JJ was at lying, _Emily_ was better at pretending.

She knew how to play the part of a single woman down to a T, and for the first time… For the first time, she wished things were different. She wished Penelope had already connected the dots, wished she didn’t have to hide the way she felt, wished the stupid rule didn’t exist, wished she and JJ didn’t care about their job as much as they did.

“Do you have something against Lamontagne?” Penelope frowned, snapping her fingers in front of Emily’s face when she failed to react to the question. “Em, seriously, you’ve been glaring at the poor man for a minute. If you don’t cut it out, he’s going to notice and tell JJ and if they _are_ dating… Well, that could cause a lot of tension that I don’t want to deal with, not when we’re already dealing with a crappy case.”

Emily grit her teeth and clenched her jaw, but she breathed in deeply and forced herself to let go of the tension and bitterness festering inside of her. Penelope was right; they had enough on their plates with the case, they didn’t need her jealousy and pettiness getting in the way of their teamwork.

Besides, what did she care if JJ wanted to talk to Lamontagne? Maybe she was just dealing with business, speaking about the case… There were a million of reasonable explanations for their conversation, especially since JJ wasn’t stupid enough to be unfaithful in front of Emily.

(Emily was being unfair, she knew. JJ would never cheat on her, no matter how frustrating their secret relationship could be at times.)

“I don’t have anything against the detective,” she eventually said, ignoring Penelope’s probing look. “Seriously, he’s a nice guy and if JJ really is dating him, then I promise to be nothing but polite to him. I’ve just never met him the way you guys have, so I guess I’m a little curious about him and his relations to the rest of our colleagues.”

“You mean you’re curious about him and his relation to JJ, right?” Penelope grinned mischievously. “I think it’s kind of cute that you’re as protective of her as Derek and Spence are. I get it coming from them, since they’re men who can’t help but want to protect the people around them, but I never realised you cared about JJ’s relationships that much. I assumed you didn’t even know she was dating someone.”

“Oh, I knew,” Emily snorted, clearing her throat when Penelope shot her another strange look. “I mean, didn’t we all? But just so we’re clear, I care about JJ a great deal. I care about _all of you_ a great deal. I know I’m not the best at showing it sometimes, but Derek and Spencer have nothing on how protective I can get with my friends.”

“Duly noted,” Penelope smiled, stretching her arms over her head and standing up with a wince. “Right, I think it’s past time for me to take Hotch’s advice and get some rest. I’m exhausted and my fingers won’t be getting anymore magic done tonight, which is a sure sign I need my sleep. You should head back to the hotel too; staying here and speculating won’t get the job done any faster. Besides, maybe we should give JJ and her cop some privacy.”

This time, Emily had to physically stop herself from protesting or crying or _something_. She didn’t like the idea of ‘JJ’s cop’. She didn’t like the idea of their team believing JJ was dating someone like him, no matter how ridiculous her jealousy was.

She knew JJ loved her. She knew there was nothing between Lamontagne and her, knew her girlfriend would never betray her like that. Yet she couldn’t help but stare at them for a few minutes longer, overthinking every smile and laugh and gesture, wondering if Penelope would have realised something was up had she stayed a while longer.

God, she was tired of lying.

JJ looked up, breaking off from whatever she had been telling Lamontagne as she caught Emily’s eye. The brunette wasn’t sure what was showing on her face, wasn’t sure how devastated or annoyed or upset she looked, but the regretful look on JJ’s face was enough to have her turning around, gathering her things, and hurrying out of the station.

She didn’t want her girlfriend to feel bad for Emily’s idiotic feelings. This wasn’t something JJ should have had to deal with; they had both agreed that keeping their relationship was safer for their positions at the BAU, and Emily had no right to be angry about something as small as speculation between their colleagues.

Still, she banged her hotel room door a little louder than necessary once she reached it, biting back a sob as she curled onto her bed and wished she could love her girlfriend openly.

Really, Lamontagne hadn’t done anything wrong; he’d just accidentally set off one of Emily’s insecurities. However, he wasn’t to blame, and JJ _definitely_ wasn’t to blame.

Emily just needed to sleep off her feelings and hope the morning dawned brighter.

* * *

In the time it took them to catch the killer and close the case, Emily didn’t talk to JJ once. She wasn’t actively avoiding the other woman, but she wasn’t going out of her way to interact or work with her, and she knew the rest of the team had noticed. Hotch hadn’t said anything about the slight tension, but she knew they needed to figure things out before he approached them.

And as much as she didn’t want to address whatever she had felt when she had seen JJ with Lamontagne – or more specifically when the team had started making assumptions – she knew she couldn’t stay away from her girlfriend forever. JJ had a right to know that Emily wasn’t mad at her or jealous or suspicious; she was just _exhausted_.

She had planned on finding JJ before going back to the hotel to get her stuff, but it seemed like the rest of the team had other ideas. As soon as they gathered and pointed at JJ and Lamontagne, who were clearly discussing something in private near the front of the station, she knew her heart was going to betray her again.

She should have talked to her girlfriend earlier.

“I don’t know, sugar, I’m still not convinced they’re _romantically_ involved,” Penelope said as Lamontagne leaned in and rested his hand on JJ’s arm. “Yes, they’re close, but there is such a thing as friendship, you know? And before you say anything, consider how close the two of us are to each other. How would you feel if someone suggested we were in a relationship?”

“I’d feel flattered,” Derek winked, ignoring Penelope’s subsequent sigh. “I’m just saying, friendships that close between a man and a woman aren’t as common as you seem to think they are.”

“And romance between a man and a woman isn’t as common as _you_ seem to think it is,” Penelope retorted. “Seriously, I love you, but if Lamontagne and JJ are together, I doubt they’d be acting so friendly. There would be tension in the air, sparks flying, something to indicate that their feelings are more than platonic. The only thing I see when I look at them is a strong friendship. Lamontagne isn’t our guy.”

“As much as it pains me to say this, I agree with Penelope,” Spencer sighed. “I wish I could say that we had finally figured out who her secret partner is, but I don’t think we have. Although really, who wouldn’t reconsider their relationship for a man like Lamontagne?”

“Are you saying _you_ would reconsider your relationship for a night with the detective?” Derek chuckled.

“If I were in a relationship, maybe,” Spencer shrugged with a small smile. “I’m sure I could convince my partner to participate in a threesome, no matter how much I usually dislike them. I just don’t know whether or not JJ’s significant other would be as open to that idea.”

“Are you all still speculating about JJ’s relationship?”

The trio of agents jumped up as Hotch appeared behind them, an unimpressed eyebrow raised in their direction. Emily wisely stayed out of the situation, instead going back to looking at Lamontagne and JJ. As much as her colleagues’ comments weren’t helping her insecurities about her relationship with JJ, she had to admit that Penelope’s contribution had greatly soothed her nerves.

Emily _knew_ how JJ acted when she truly loved someone, knew what she looked like when she was thinking of kissing Emily, knew how she acted around her romantic interests. As close as Lamontagne and she seemed, it had nothing on the way the blonde looked at Emily.

However, she wouldn’t lie and say that she wasn’t glad Hotch had interrupted her friends’ gossiping. She had been two seconds away from saying something she would have inevitably regretted, and she would need to find a way to thank him without being too obvious.

“… completely harmless, sir!” Penelope was saying, looking at Hotch with wide eyes as Derek smirked and Spencer fidgeted with his briefcase. “But you’re right, we shouldn’t have been speculating. The least we could do is ask her about her relationship to her face.”

“Maybe that would yield better results,” Spencer said thoughtfully, furrowing his brows as though trying to figure out whether or not JJ would tell them about her partner if he simply pushed a little bit.

“I doubt it,” Hotch cut in and for a second, for a _millisecond_ , Emily thought he glanced at her, almost as though… As though he knew. “JJ has gone out of her way to keep her relationship private, and I doubt she would appreciate knowing what the lot of you have been talking about behind her back. However, if it helps settle your inane debate, I can assure you that detective Lamontagne and JJ are not, and have never been, an item.”

“Right sir,” Penelope nodded rapidly. “Sorry, sir.”

“We didn’t mean any harm, Hotch,” Derek huffed. “But I’ll try to refrain from digging around for answers about JJ’s personal life if you truly think it would only annoy her.”

“Good,” Hotch nodded, before turning his gaze back onto Emily. There was something in his eyes, a mix of compassion and understanding, and Emily immediately knew that she hadn’t been imagining the look he had shot her earlier. Hotch _knew_ , somehow, and he apparently wasn’t inclined to do anything about their slightly forbidden – or at least strongly discouraged – relationship.

“Hotch…” She said softly, blinking back tears as Hotch smiled at her ever so briefly.

“I just want to make sure _all of you_ know what JJ wants,” he said, never breaking eye contact with Emily. “If there’s something you want from her, or something you want to ask her, I’m sure she would do her best to make everyone happy. Is that clear?”

Emily could only nod as the rest of the team muttered their understanding, glancing back at Lamontagne and JJ one last time before taking off, the three of them moving onto lighter conversation topics as Hotch and Emily stayed behind.

“How long?” Emily asked, feeling slightly more confident now that their clueless colleagues had vacated the area. “And _how_?”

“JJ told me,” Hotch explained quietly, staring straight at JJ, who hugged Lamontagne quickly before waving him goodbye and turning towards Emily and their boss. “Five months ago. Apparently, you’d had a slight spike in anxiety thinking about what might go wrong once I found out about your relationship, and she wanted to make sure I didn’t find out from anyone other than one of you.”

“And you…?”

“You’ve both shown that you’re more than capable of working together and keeping your feelings for each other separate from the job,” Hotch shrugged. “I don’t doubt that the two of you might have a stronger reaction to the other getting hurt, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. She loves you a great deal, Emily, and I would hate for either of you to suffer because of a secret you don’t need to keep.”

“But the rest of the team…” Emily started, cutting herself off as she realised she had no idea how the rest of the team would react to news of Emily and JJ dating. Hotch had always been the one whose reaction she had feared, the one whom she had been sure would reprimand them for being so foolish. And if he didn’t care…

If he didn’t care, why did they have to hide?

“Why didn’t she tell me it was okay with you?” She finally frowned, swallowing thickly as she realised JJ hadn’t moved an inch, her gaze still firmly fixed on Emily. “We could have stopped lying months ago…”

“Would you have told her?” Hotch asked, looking at her expectantly. “You believed she didn’t want anyone to know about your relationship, so would you have told her?”

“No, but- Oh, right, okay, I see your point,” Emily blushed, biting her lip as she glanced back down at her girlfriend. “So is this your way of giving us your blessing and telling us that if we want to be open with our relationship, we can?”

“This is my way of saying that I’m tired of having to listen to the rest of the team speculate about JJ’s love life,” Hotch rolled his eyes, the gesture out of place on his usually stern features. “Feel free to do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t interfere with our investigations. And for the love of god, let the others know that JJ’s mystery partner is none other than you.”

“They’re not going to like having missed something like this,” Emily smirked, thinking about how confident her colleagues had been with their profiles. “None of them even considered me after the first month or so.”

“Profilers aren’t always as observant as they seem to think they are,” Hotch chuckled. “Now, I think you have a girlfriend waiting for you to do something, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Emily whispered. “I do.”

With that, she took off running towards JJ, taking the few steps separating them two at a time. The rest of the team was waiting for them less than twenty feet away, and Emily knew this was the best opportunity she would get. She stopped in front of JJ without breaking a sweat, hope probably shining brighter than anything in her eyes.

Her girlfriend had always been beautiful. JJ was everything Emily could have ever dreamed of having and more, and she had always known she was beyond lucky to have a woman like her in her life. But standing there, seconds away from revealing their relationship to their colleagues, she couldn’t help but think that JJ had never been quite so radiant.

She had never smiled so lovingly, looked so earnest, or parted her lips in such an enticing manner. Emily had loved her for over a year and had been dating her for just slightly less than that, and she couldn’t remember having ever loved JJ as much as she did right then.

Every time she thought she couldn’t love her girlfriend any more than she already did, JJ just _had_ to prove her wrong.

“Are you just going to stare at me all night or are you finally going to show those idiots that Lamontagne is the furthest thing from the person I actually love?” JJ whispered, tilting her head towards their friends for an instant as she let her fingers trail up and down Emily’s arm lightly.

“Am I not allowed to admire my beautiful girlfriend?” Emily murmured, but she was already leaning in to fulfil JJ’s request, her hands wrapping around the blonde’s waist easily.

She kissed JJ the same way she did when they got home after a long day of work; softly and slowly, whispers of _we’re finally home_ echoing at the back of her mind. She always missed those kisses the most when they were working a case, missed the way they made her feel safe and loved and cared for in a way nothing else could.

JJ sighed against her lips, a small smile curling at her mouth as Emily pulled away only to press a light kiss to her nose, her cheeks, her forehead, and her mouth again. It wasn’t exactly a ritual of theirs, but Emily knew how much her girlfriend enjoyed it, and after the case, Lamontagne, and their colleagues’ comments, she knew they both needed all the comfort they could get.

“Well _damn_ ,” Derek said from behind JJ. Emily didn’t have to look at him to picture the stunned look on his face, but she opened her eyes and winked at him anyways, glad to have finally pulled one over the team.

“I was so sure it wasn’t any of us,” Penelope added, narrowing her eyes at Emily in betrayal.

Spencer started rambling about something, but Hotch was quick to push the rest of the team out of the station, nodding approvingly at Emily before following the others.

And then it was just JJ and Emily. _Finally_.

“You knew this would happen, didn’t you?” Emily asked suspiciously, taking in JJ’s self-satisfied smile. “Did you make me jealous on _purpose_?”

“No, of course not,” JJ gasped mock-offendedly, biting down on her bottom lip as she tried to stop herself from smiling. Not that she could really hide anything from Emily anymore. “Not the first time, at least.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Emily rolled her eyes, flicking her girlfriend’s nose gently. “Were you really that determined for us to reveal our relationship in such a dramatic manner?”

“To be fair, I wasn’t sure you would even take the bait,” JJ shrugged. “And if Hotch hadn’t intervened, can you tell me that you would have? I think you would have been more likely to snap at the others and pout at me all week-end because of my little trick.”

“I know you would never cheat on me,” Emily huffed.

“And yet you were still jealous of Will,” JJ grinned. “Admit it, you don’t like it when I spend time with someone who people think could potentially be my significant other.”

“I thought that would have been obvious,” Emily crossed her arms over her chest. “I mean, how would you react if everyone thought I was dating someone else? Because I assure you it’s not a nice feeling, no matter how convinced you are that your partner won’t cheat. However, I’ll admit that your plan worked out perfectly. I just wish you would have done something like this earlier; it would have saved us months of having to sneak around.”

“I wanted it to be just as grand as you deserved,” JJ whispered, leaning in to peck Emily’s lips one last time before stepping out of the brunette’s reach. “Now, let’s go home.”

“Sounds wonderful,” Emily smiled, lacing her fingers with JJ’s as they stepped out of the station.

When they met up with the rest of the team at the jet less than half an hour later, it was to a chorus of congratulations and questions and apologies. Through it all, JJ didn’t let go of her hand once, and Emily didn’t think she had ever been this happy before.

There was something ever so freeing about being able to love openly.

***

_You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you_ – Jane Austen

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I have recently found myself into a deep hole of watching Criminal Minds and reading the fanfic that comes with it, so I had to write some femslash for the show! And of course, since I know Em loves these girls as much as I do, I couldn't help but write some for her, specifically <3 As always, these fics are unbeta'ed and unedited, so forgive any mistakes/typos! I hope you all enjoyed my first attempt at writing for the CM fandom. 
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on [tumblr](https://hopesilverheart.tumblr.com/))


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